For the month of October I will be focusing on the challenge of living from our heart and spirit, and exploring what takes us in and out of “the box.” This whole concept of the “box” has been around for a long time. Originally it was the idea of thinking outside of the box, in other words addressing problems from a bigger/different perspective, than the one that created the problem in the first place. Even though this idea have been around for a long time, embracing it is quite another matter. How do we step out of the “box?” How do we spot when we are “in the box?” And of course, what get’s us into the box in the first place?

These are all great questions and very relevant to how we lead, mentor, teach, parent etc. In exploring these questions one of the first books that comes to mind is Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box (L&S), from the Arbinger Institute. The title alone got my attention and let me tell you it also raised a few people’s ire. To link leadership with self-deception was, for some people, down right offensive. Now with my training, defensiveness is the first indicator that we are on the right track. So here we go…

I loved the title of this book because it points directly to what I think is a critical issue – self-deception. Without intending to, how do I deceive myself or put another way, what are my blind spots? We all have them, and often our friends and loved ones know them intimately, and yet they remain a mystery to us.  How is this possible? In roles of leadership or power it becomes even more of a critical issue. It’s been said that power corrupts and what I think happens is power amplifies what is already there. The ways we deceive ourselves get magnified under pressure or the bright lights of “fame.” Even the intensity of being a parent often reveals things we would rather not see.

So what is self-deception? In the book, they define it as “the inability to see that one has a problem.” In other words, the pattern of either ignoring an issue/pattern, or blaming it on others/the situation, etc. The “It’s not me…” pattern. Why would we do this? Why pretend there isn’t a problem, when there is? Or even more subtly, why ignore the little “voice” or niggle, that says. “pay attention here, something isn’t quite right”? The answer to these questions takes us to “the box” because it is when we are “in the box” that we do all of the pretending, ignoring, blaming. etc. That’s right… all of these ways of thinking and behaving arise from being in the “box”.

Being “in the box”, is just another way of saying you are in your own way. Somehow you are limiting yourself and closing off to possibilities, answers and potential. When you are in “the box” your focus has narrowed, you are problem-oriented, and usually constrained by time — you want things addressed or solved quickly. And lastly, you are externally focused, meaning your focus is on others and the situation, with little or no awareness of the part you play.

So what gets us in the box”? In Leadership & Self-Deception, their answer is betrayal – self betrayal, in fact. Whenever we betray ourselves it moves us into “the box.” For many people the word “betray” is pretty heavy duty and evokes serious life-changing actions, but in the book the examples they offer are amazingly ordinary and simple: not holding the elevator door for someone, not sharing information that might be helpful, not giving when you feel you should/could… in other words all the little ways we move out of integrity with ourselves. This happens when we are not fully “in our heart.” not fully open to life, people and all that can be created. Every day we face numerous opportunities to either honor ourselves or betray ourselves. The choice is simple, in the moment, and we go one way or the other — “When I betray myself I start to see the world in a way that justifies my self-betrayal.”

Now once we betray ourselves it gets really interesting. The simple “little” betrayal morphs into something quite substantial. Let’s slow the process down and see how it unfolds:

• First we betray ourselves by not honoring what is true for us
• Then we start to think in ways that justify our behavior – I pretend I didn’t see the person at the elevator door that I don’t “need” to send information to that person, it’s not my job to… and on it goes. I am unconsciously deceiving myself and now have to defend my behavior to be in integrity – I was in a rush, I didn’t really see her or know….
• Next I start seeing the world in a way that supports these thoughts – I am, in a sense, a “victim”- I am a hardworking person who is under appreciated, not seen, etc. It’s “me against the world”
• Now I start watching for ways that support how I am a victim and others are letting me down, they are inconsiderate, not generous/helpful…They are “bad” and I am “good”.
• I have now constructed things in my mind in a way that let’s me be a good person and the other person/people are the real problem

“By being in the box, I provoke others to be in the box (defend themselves) … this leads to mutual mistreatment and mutual justification. We collude in giving each other reason to stay in the box.” Wow what a statement!

Laid out in black and white I can imagine some of you will want to protest, and declare that this is not YOU! I can understand this feeling and even I don’t like shinning such a bright light on this unconscious, devious process. But please don’t dismiss this out of hand. I believe this is exactly what is happening at an unconscious level and is what produces so much heartache.

Addressing your own self deception could feel overwhelming and before you sink into despair please understand that my purpose in going into depth on this is not to induce “guilt”, but rather to say, what we don’t know that will hurt us, not what we don’t know. There is great personal power to be gained from having insight and awareness into these patterns, and the tools to get out of the “box”. It is very much a day to day process and the first step is noticing, “Am I “in the box” or not?

For this next week I invite you to raise your radar for when and how you get in the “box”. Consider the possibility that this is happening everyday and just start watching for it. Leave the judgments out, betraying yourself does not make you a bad person, it makes you human. The challenge is – Are you willing to see your humanness and be open to how to shift this pattern of self deception? I hope some of you will join me in this journey into a deeper, clearer understanding of ourselves and to finding the path out of self deception.

Next week I will be offering the 6 things YOU DO NOT WANT TO DO WHEN YOU ARE IN THE BOX! And… how to get out of the box if you should happen to find yourself trapped.