Welcome to Part 2 of How to Nourish Body and Soul,  and a discussion of The Five Love Languages, developed by Gary Chapman. I have chosen to focus on this because Sunday is Valentine’s Day and what a perfect time to “tune up” our skills in conveying love.

This whole month I am talking about how we can more powerfully and effectively nourish ourselves, and even others. I love what Gary has developed because we all know we are different and unique. Having a framework that shows you exactly how you want to be loved, and how your loved ones recognize love, is great. It’s pretty well known how easily we can feel “unloved,” and if there is a way to “close the gap” between the intention to convey love and the message being received, I’m all for it.

The 5 Love Languages that Gary identified, from 30 years as a marriage counselor are:

1. Words of Affirmation
2. Acts of Service
3. Receiving Gifts
4. Quality Time
5. Physical Touch

There is a free questionnaire you can use to find out your preferred love language(s). The link for this is at the end of this blog.

So let me share a tiny bit about each of the love languages.

Words of Affirmation are really about being appreciated verbally. People who value this really notice when you take the time to acknowledge and appreciate them. To you the words may not seem like a big deal, but to the other person they truly are. If words are not important to you, it’s really easy to devalue them and their importance to someone else.

Acts of Service is all about the doing. You know the saying “actions speak louder than words” or the “show me,” perspective? This reflects the preference for actions—not words or perhaps even gifts. So what’s an act of service? Any action that helps, supports or recognizes the other person. Maybe it’s doing a task they hate or are too busy to do. It could be remembering to attend to something they have forgotten.

Receiving Gifts could be viewed negatively, but in Gary’s framework it’s not. All the love languages are important and equal in value. Some people simply value things, even little things like a picked flower or written note. To them the gift tangibly personifies the love you have for them. Don’t think you have to spend a lot of money to please someone with this love language, the thought does count.

Quality Time is all about “undivided time and attention” with a person. People who have this love language as their preference, really want you to focus on them for wonderful undiluted connection. This can be really difficult for some people who are accustomed to having the TV on, the newspaper nearby and their phone attached to their body. When you disconnect from all of these it sends a really powerful message to someone that you are “there” and really interested in them.

And lastly, Physical Touch. I think sometimes it’s assumed that men will always have this as the priority, but this is not true. One of the dangers of any framework is that we can categorize people and no one wants that. Recognizing that physical touch really matters to someone you love is important. Again it can be the little things, sitting closer on the couch, taking a hand, etc.

When doing research for this blog I read an article about the dangers of buying into the 5 Love Languages. The author of that article focused on the dangers of this model to support co-dependency. “I did this for you and you need to do this for me…” This is not loving of any kind, it’s a transaction. If that is the kind of relationship you have, you have more problems than your love language differences. But I am happy he highlights the point no one can make anyone else feel loved. Period. And, as you will know, if you have been reading my blog, I totally believe this and work with people to feel loved internally, as a state of being. I teach regularly about not being “externally referenced” meaning you look outside yourself for your validation.

The reason I value a framework like the 5 Love Languages, is that it educates us to the differences between people and how we look at life. In building strong, healthy relationships (and not co-dependent ones), we need to be “awake,” present and able to recognize those differences. Knowledge allows us to see more and, if we are willing, notice what matters to those we love. If you have evolved beyond this, great…but many people still wrestle with human differences. We are all on a path of evolution, no one has reached the end of their growth and relationships are a major pathway for growth. We can learn to nourish ourselves well, and along the way, offer nourishment to others by knowing what matters to them.

“Love is a decision, not a feeling,” says Chapman. Making that decision daily, come what may, and supporting it imperfectly but sincerely, will help your relationships flourish.

Have a great week, and I hope it is filled with quality nourishment. And I’m not just talking chocolate. And on that topic let me give a big shout out to people who are producing wonderful raw, chocolate treats. If you haven’t tried any I encourage you to do so. Today we are blessed by people who are committed to offering us the option of treats that are filled with nutrition, no sugar and are mouth-watering. Yeah!

And don’t miss next week when I talk about Forest Bathing, and the week after we’ll feature an interview with an amazing woman and her perspective on life and fitness.

To discover your Love Language, CLICK HERE